Questions to ask before marriage

Take your time. These are not easy questions. But they can save you a lot of heartache in the long run.

Communication

On a scale from 1 to 100 (with 100 being high), how would you rate me as a communicator? What, in your opinion, would help me be a more effective communicator with you?
How free do you feel to share with me your fears, feelings, superstitions, opinions? What do I do that might make you afraid to share these with me?
What words, manners of speech, phrases, kinds of voices annoy you?
In what areas do you feel we may not be completely honest with each other, and how can we remedy this?
What, in your opinion, is the difference between argument and discussion? Am I more likely to argue or discuss with you? With other people?
How soon and in what way should we handle small problems that come up daily?
How do you feel when I make a suggestion for change? How can I better make these suggestions? (Or can I?)
Does it bother you when I ask, "What do you mean?" If so, why?
What do you think about reading books together and discussing the ideas presented?
When and on what subjects do you feel I can be stubborn and resisting to your point of view? How can we remedy this?
Do you feel generally that I am thinking with you or disagreeing?
Can you share ideas with me freely with the feeling that I will understand you? Do you think I face facts realistically?
Do you feel our silent communication is good? In other words, can you tell what I am thinking (by expression, nods, gestures, or just thought waves) in a group or just the two of us when we don't say anything? How could we improve on this language without words?

Backgrounds and balance

In what areas do you feel that we are equals? Any that we are unequal?
How would you describe the role of a man? Of a woman?
How well do you feel your parents related to one another? What would you like to carry over from them? Avoid?
Is there any difference in our educational backgrounds that bothers you?
What could be some differences in our social backgrounds that might cause us conflict? Are there social habits, practices, and manners that I have that bother you? Are there some things that you feel are important that I am failing to do? (Seating you, meeting you at the door, etc.)
What are your ideas on integration? Would you let a child of ours marry one of another race?
What do you consider our areas of mutual interest? What would be interesting and fun to develop together?
How do you like men/women to dress? What are some suggestions you have about the way I dress?
Do you think economy or quality are more important?
What do you like to read? What areas do we have in common in reading? Do you like to read aloud together? Is this something we should work on?
What kinds of humor do you enjoy?
What problem areas might we have in the way I spend money? The way you do? What would you economize on that I might not? Do you feel we can talk about these matters regularly without getting angry?
In your opinion, are our tastes similar or dissimilar? (In clothes, furniture, apartments, sports, reading, what we enjoy.) If not, in what areas and does it matter to us? What can we do about this? What about our taste in cars? Size of bed we should have? Pictures? Music? Books? Magazines?
Who should be responsible for the maintenance of the home? In what areas should there be division of responsibility? To whom?
What do you think about women working?
Who do you feel should manage the money in our home?
Do you like to operate on a budget?
What is your thinking on how much we should give from our income? What are your current areas of giving?
Do you like to have a savings plan? How important is it to you to save money regularly?
What do you think about borrowing? From the family? From others?
Can we agree on a budget and each of us stick to it?

Health

How much do you like to exercise? How much would you like for me to exercise? Is this important to you?
Do you have regular checkups by a doctor?
How much fresh air do you like at night?
Are you a slow riser? (Should I learn not to speak to you before breakfast?)
Is there anything in your family's medical history or in your own that I should be aware of?
How important is relaxation to you? How do you best relax? How can I help you in this?

Ethics

Do you feel that most people are honest? Do you feel that it is really not honest to fudge a bit on income taxes, a child's age at a ticket window, about import duty?
Does it disturb you not to pay a bill on time? How important is it to you to have a good credit rating with everyone?
Do you regularly violate any traffic regulations? Which ones?
Do you feel I often exaggerate? Does this bother you?
How do you feel about keeping promises? About playing "tricks" on people?

Children

What differences have you noted in our backgrounds? Can we face these differences honestly and adjust to one another?
What are the family customs from your own upbringing that you would like to continue in our family? How important is this to you?
Do you like to entertain? How much would you like it to be a part of your life? What sort of entertaining (casual, formal) do you prefer?
What are your thoughts on visiting parents and other relatives? On their visiting you?
What do you think about family anniversaries, birthdays, special occasions? What about gifts for these? How much would you spend on these gifts?
Do you feel you can be in close fellowship with your family and also be free to live your own life? Do you feel we have achieved this? In what areas do we need to work at this?
Do you think I do my share of work?
Do you feel we are in agreement about meal schedules, table practices, bedtimes, hours of sleep, house temperatures, how to spend weekends?
What do you think about a husband and wife having time away from their children? How often? What do you think about "dating"? How important in your priorities is this time with me?
Do you like animals? Do you feel animals should be kept outside?
If one of our parents were widowed or sick what do you feel is our responsibility toward him/her?

Recreation and leisure

To you, what is the greatest way to spend a vacation? What is your second choice?
Do you like to travel? Camp out?
Do you like my friends? Who do you feel is a fun couple to spend a vacation with?
Do you like to go on vacations with just family or with other people?
What are your hobbies? How much time do you like to spend on them?
How much time do you feel should be spent watching TV? What are your favorite programs? What about going to movies? What rating?
What kinds of sports do you like? (Playing or watching)
What other kinds of things do you like? (Games, for example)
Do you always have to be busy or do you enjoy just "being lazy"?

Habits

Do you think I am inclined to be overly neat or overly sloppy? What habits would you like for me to change? Do unwashed dishes, unmade beds, towels not hung well, papers not stacked neatly, pictures not hanging straight, and other similar things both you? What specifically?
Do I have any personal idiosyncrasies or practices that annoy you? Do you think you can accept living with these if I cannot change? (The most often mentioned are: picking teeth, manner of chewing, spitting, sounds in eating, scratching, twitching, clearing the throat, snoring, sniffing, use of gum, use of tobacco, personal grooming, use of alcoholic beverages, use (or non-use) of colognes or perfumes, bathing and toilet practices, body odors, being chronically late, not hanging up clothes in the proper place, scattering apparel, not closing doors or drawers, offensive language, not replacing lids or caps, leaving the bathroom in a mess, mannerisms of speech, perverted humor, off-beat ideas, overmeticulousness, messiness, lack of organization, prudishness, artificiality.)

Spiritual things

What is your concept of God? Christ? Sin? Man's relationship to God?
What are effective ways of coping with evil? Temptation?
How do you view death? Burial procedures?
What are your thoughts on the sources of real, deep inner peace of mind?
If I were enticed into sin, told you the truth about it and asked your forgiveness, what would be your response?
Where do you find your greatest security?
What to you are the ingredients of a truly wonderful way of living?

Sex

A. Questions to discuss before marriage: 1) Do you feel we are honest and open with each other in talking about sex? 2) Do you feel we have the same standards? 3) What do you feel is the purpose of sex?
B. Questions to discuss after marriage: 1) What causes you special pleasure? 2) Do you wish I would initiate sex more often? Less often? 3) How do you feel a woman's moods relate to her menstrual cycle?

Understanding

What do you feel are my strengths? My weaknesses?
How do you think I can best help you when you are depressed?
How can I best encourage you? What are ways I am an encouragement to you now? What ways that I might be?
In what areas do you feel I don't understand you?
Do you feel you have a real understanding of men? Of women? Do I?
How do you see yourself as far as temperament type is concerned? How do you see me?
Do you think personalities can be changed? Should be changed?
What is your response to a woman crying? To a man crying? To an outburst of temper? What would you like my response to be to these?
Who is the most understanding person you have ever known? What about that person makes you say that?
Do you feel that I am quick to mention a fault or flaw in you? When I do, do you feel I mean to help? What is your reaction to my suggestions? How could I suggest better?
Do you think I sympathize with you at a deep level? With others?
What are some ways I can demonstrate that I love you that I am not now doing?
What are two of the happiest things that ever happened to you? What brings you the most happiness today?
What has been the hardest experience of your life? The saddest? What are the things that cause you the most anxiety today?